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Comment FAQ

Other bloggers call it their “Comment Policy.” Not me. I don’t expect you to read or agree to it; this is my blog, not a public forum, and I reserve the right to delete any comment for any reason whatsoever.

Now that that’s out of the way, let me assure you that I probably won’t. If you’re a living, breathing human being reading this, you are most welcome. Please, sit yourself down, have a read, and join the conversation. Don’t be shy. And it’s okay to debate ideas here – just play nice with others and don’t throw things.

If you’re a zombie, please don’t leave body parts on the rug or try to suck out the other commenters’ brains with a bendy straw.

If you’re a spammer, your comment is unlikely to make it past the gatekeepers. You will be tossed into the virtual moat. The moat is flushed daily.

If you are not a spammer, and the gatekeepers toss you unceremoniously into the moat, please accept my apologies! I do not closely review all comments that land in the moat (aka, spam folder) before deleting them, and occasionally, a non-spammy one falls in – or is pushed. I figure if there’s a problem and you don’t see your comment in a timely manner, you’ll let me know. Don’t whine to me that you can’t swim; the moat’s full of merfolk who believe in second chances. No one’s actually drowned. Yet.

If you are not a spammer but have come here hoping for a little back-link love from CommentLuv, it’s a bit trickier. I don’t care if your comment is Pulitzer-worthy, I’m not publishing it if it contains dodgy links. (Well, not on purpose, I’m not – and when I find them, I’ll delete them without blinking.) By “dodgy,” I mean anything about buying systems for making quick cash online, how to manipulate the opposite sex, webcams promising a peek at the prurient, payday loans, pharmaceuticals (particularly the sort one might buy if they were looking for a peek at the prurient), diet aids, extreme body modification (including laser-guided liposuction), any sort of footwear or handbags (I’ve doubled the guard at the rear and instructed them to make everyone remove their Uggs and drop their Michael Kors handbags in the moat), celebrity scandal rags (I really don’t care what Kim, Kanye, Miley, or the Biebs are up to, today – really)…

What, do you seriously think I don’t look? REAL blog posts are welcome. Ads masquerading as blog posts are not welcome. REAL blog posts containing actual experiences – reviews – of things you actually own (preferably with pictures of you using them, to prove you actually do have these experiences using them) are welcome, even if they incidentally contain an affiliate link or three. I don’t begrudge your making money online, so long as it’s not crass and spammy and probably fraudulent. And don’t think that if you slip by the gatekeepers once, it’s a guarantee you’ll do it again. I’ll push you in the moat, myself, when I catch you.

And I will catch you. 😉

My Comment Was Not Approved, Why?

A few reasons your comment may not show up:

  • It’s spam, and you know it. I know it, too.
  • You don’t have a Gravatar. (Go sign up on Gravatar.com. Preferably, use a real photo of yourself, but at least use an image instead of the default silhouette. This step makes it a little less likely that you’re using a throwaway free email account to leave spam.)
  • Your name is “michael kors handbags” or “red wing shoes” or “get girls fast” or “fast cash now” or… you get the idea. Use a normal, human name. Your own, preferably. If you claim your name is “Sonia Smith” but your email is jack.offendye@gmail.com, odds are good your comment will end up in my trashcan.
  • You addressed me as “Sir” or “Dear.” Go over to OddBlogger.com and have Abhi explain it to you.
  • Your comment is written in a foreign language that I cannot read (I can muddle through EFIGS but struggle with the double bytes), and haven’t yet run through Google translate to be sure it’s not obscene, inflammatory, or commercial. You’re welcome to write in a foreign language, but be aware that your comments may be held in moderation for a while.
  • Your comment contains multiple links (that’s okay, but it will be held in moderation until it is manually approved, and may be missed – email me if you think your comment was deleted by accident).
  • One of my anti-spam-bots got a little twitchy and slapped first, asked questions later. My apologies. Email me, and if it’s the bouncer’s fault, first drink’s on the house.

Anticipatory Answers to Rhetorical Questions

Q: How do you handle spam on your blog?
A: It’s a complex mathematical algorithm. Like Google, I’m not going to reveal the “secret sauce” here, but I will tell you that it involves a series of frequently changing locks and passphrases, coupled with fairly simple math that follows a formula something like this:
((previously approved comments + relevant conversation) – (commercial messaging, irrelevant spewing, unnecessary flattery, dubious ‘bug reports’)) + (+bouncer’s opinion,-bouncer’s opinion)
A: I fry it. And eat it. With some fava beans and a nice Chianti.

Q: I love your blog template. Where did you find it?
A: It was lying in the middle of the street. I just picked it up and gave it a home.
A: Okay, if this was a serious question, not an attempt to leave spam lying around by flattering the blog’s owner, it’s a modified-by-me version of Elegant Themes’ “Bold.” I cannot recommend them highly enough.

Q: Do you write all your own posts or do you has a paid monkey to do it?
A: I write about 98% of it myself. Monkeys are too expensive. I don’t know what it is about those bananas – must be the freight.

Q: My brother and I were reading your content last night and he said whoa we need to use this on our blog because it’s really good.
A: Thanks. It’s also copyrighted. For a fee, a big fat fee, I might consider licensing some of it. Let’s talk. If you’re human enough to find my email address, try that.

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