I don’t know why I spent so much of 2012 in a funk. Maybe my upbeat, humorous response to having cancer took on a desperately manic edge and finally crashed. By the time I could look into the mirror and say out loud, “Good God, there’s something wrong with you!” it seemed a bit stupid. Because anything that might once have been wrong had long ago been put right. But just as I’m “good in a crisis” and apt to go catatonic a week after the danger has passed, I tend to have delayed emotional responses to any sort of stress. So instead of owning up to the fact that there was a huge disconnect between reality and my emotional outlook on life, I wallowed in it−inwardly. All the while smiling and pretending everything was just peachy. Because rationally, it was. But I don’t think I was fooling anybody.
So, me being me and all, I decided that the root cause of this mental funk was my hideous purple blog and a wardrobe full of butt ugly clothes−because I don’t like to shop for clothes when I’m depressed and feeling stupid, fat, and ugly−even if that does turn it into a self-fulfilling prophecy. And although I’ve always thought that boredom was a much bigger overeating trigger, for me, than emotions, it was clear that things like sugar, wheat, preservatives, and lack of exercise weren’t doing my mood or self-esteem any good at all. And so I posted gluten free recipe links and anti-GMO protests on Facebook and felt a little bit productive. Laugh all you like, but I felt like I’d time-traveled back to 2005.
Stepping through a wormhole is not as bad as it sounds. Because in 2005, I picked myself up, dusted myself off, recommitted to all my goals, and achieved more than I set out to achieve. I’m going to do that again in 2013. I got my hair cut, painted my nails, and forced myself to go shopping−laughing at myself for waiting until a few weeks before Christmas when the mall would be at its most miserable height of insanity. I grudgingly made an appointment for my annual check-up. (Not the 1.5 year post-op cancer check – did that in June! All is well!) Even got my flu shot while I was there and didn’t kick or bite the nurse.
Now, I’m going to get my resolutions in order for the coming year.
- Lose 80 lbs. by 10/4/2013
- Finish “A New Leaf for Lyle”
- Successfully complete Project 365
- Explore art
- Simplify, declutter, organize, and focus on what matters
“Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, the providence moves too. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favor all manner of unforeseen incidents, meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamt would have come his way. I learned a deep respect for one of Goethe’s couplets:
Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it.
Boldness has genius, power and magic in it!”
— W. H. Murray in The Scottish Himalaya Expedition, 1951