It was late. I didn’t feel up to turning the lights on, or writing a post for the classier clientele. I thought I could slip up to the back alley entrance unnoticed, perform a little overdue blog maintenance, lock up, go home, and get a good night’s sleep. No such luck.
As I rounded the corner, I saw them. The Spammers. There was The Sycophant, announcing his presence to all and sundry, much to the dismay of the others. “Cool guide, very good blog, thank you share very good info! I am impressed!” He hops up and down like a junkie in need of a fix, hoping to find a soft spot that will let him get his dirty little boots inside my blog’s door. “You, my friend, ROCK!” he cries. “Your blog has given me some sort of desire for success for some reason, so keep up the good work!” As if I lived to serve his obsequiousness.
Another shadowy figure pushes himself off the wall near the door. I wish I’d bought floodlights, now, instead of the quaint little gas lanterns that make everyone look like a character in some turn-of-the-century gothic novel. “Cool guide,” he says, exhaling an unctuous curl of pale gray smoke that mysteriously forms itself into a dollar sign above his head.
“Er, thanks. Look, I just need to sweep up, put some stuff out for the morning read, you know… could you, um, step aside?” My fingers curl around the keys in my pocket. There are enough of them to be classified as brass knuckles and throwing stars, if only I could unhook the rings that chain them all together to make a mace.
Shady one smiles. I can’t help but notice he has bad teeth and far too many of them.
A third character shambles up wearing a purple satin pimp suit. He tugs on his left lapel and sneers, “I got your Louis Armstrong pictures here…” t my puzzled look, he rips open his jacket on the other side. “Hentai, get your hentai…”
My what? My hen tea? I prefer white tea, but morbid curiosity impels me to look. I raise an eyebrow at His Lasciviousness. “Seriously?” I start to giggle. “Got any of the Roadrunner? Wile E. Coyote?”
His Unctuousness leers. His fingers dip into bottomless pockets. He hands me a grainy photograph. I giggle. The damned bird’s finally getting what’s coming to him. Coming to–get it? Never mind. I hand the photo back and shake my head. “Don’t think so, but, um – thanks?”
Speedy pops up like Whack-a-Mole. “Hey guys I wish to share with you a way I make $500 every day and I only spend 5 minuits doing it a day!”
“Okay,” I shout, “Now I know you’re full of it! There’s only ONE minuit a night!” The guy looks at me like I’ve lost my mind, and I quickly file the “one egg is an oeuf” joke away as “humor that just waaaaaaaay to subtle for shady, back-alley spammers.”
A dark-eyed little dude with a thick but unrecognizable accent sidles up to me and startles me. “So sorry. I strongly suggest you check their site out–” he nods his head at the garish, flashing sign that clearly indicates material inappropriate for minors, “–as there is really a brilliant video that explains every thing you need to know. Check them out at DOMINATE MOBILE MARKETING.”
He has a little black book full of A-listers he wants to sell me for just $44.95 a week.” I don’t think that’s all they could teach me to dominate. In the flash of the neon lights, I see a leather catsuit studded with stainless steel cones and a long, leather bullwhip.
Before long, we’re joined by a little team of pharmaceutical reps from China and the Eastern bloc. One lugs a suitcase full of little blue pills and assorted ancient herbal enhancers. (We all know by now that “ancient” is Marketing-speak for “waaaay past its expiration date.”) The other has a speech all prepared, and will not be deterred by the stony looks of the other spammers. I suspect he doesn’t understand a word of what he’s saying, nor do I: “I walked as a result of this website publish and it’s definitely wonderful. I definitely truly get pleasure from your web site.” He bows deeply. I consider bowing in return, but my brain short-circuits and I mix that up with the one-fingered salute that’s more appropriate to a different culture. Whoops… He continues as if he has not noticed my social gaff.
“Perfectly, the piece of authoring is in conviction the extremely greatest on this definitely really worth whilst subject. I bookmarked it and I’m looking ahead to your new site posts. I also noticed that your weblog has some great linking carried out to it. I will proper apart carry maintain of the rss feed to remain knowledgeable of any posts. Wonderful info you acquired right here. Remember to preserve bring up to date on your good submit.”
And don’t forget to sign the DEA form in triplicate, I think. Especially when you’re eating your own dog food. “No free food? No golf club memberships? No hen tea?”
A dapper gentleman walks up and attempts to shoe the others off with what looks like Bat Masterson’s cane. “Really nice blog post here my friend. I just wanted to comment and say keep up the good work. I’ve bookmarked your blog right away and I’ll be back to read more in the future my friend! Also well-chosen colors on the theme it goes well with the blog in my humble opinion.”
“Jolly. Right. Thanks much.” I raise an eyebrow. The gentleman smiles. He does not move on. I’m not at all sure what he wants, but he appears to be buttering me up for something, just like all the rest. I smile my coldest smile, making sure that it appears polite without reaching the eyes.
I whirl around. They’ve blocked my escape. I can’t get to the door of the shop without one of them slipping in. Where’s my bodyguard? “Akismet!” I shout. Nothing.
The zombies have crawled out of the storm drains and are now shambling up the curb. “Hi. What’s your your myspace page? What does my name mean?”
“Urrrrr..ains… og article very intersting and fanstic, at the very same time the blog theme is distinctive and perrrrrrfect, great roll. To your…braiiiins…”
A weird little guy who looks like Mario in a farmer’s togs is chatting up some guy in a Zynga Rocks tee-shirt. I hear snippets, “A little help from an experienced user: After sign in to second user you can send a gift to your main account and logout and log in your main account ad get your gift and include it with your–hey, come with me, I’ll teach you more tricks.” Farmville meets hen tea…
Beyond the shambling undead, which are now trying to crack open the craniums of the pharmaceutical reps, the street has turned into a full-blown, free game of Whack-a-Mole:
“Hi buddy, your blog’s design is simple and clean and I like it!”
“Your blog posts are superb. Please keep them coming. Greets!!!”
“This is a blog that is well put together. Most of them you see out there don’t have any worthwhile fresh content on their site.” Fresh content? Is that why I’m beset by zombies?
“This is the best blog I have ever read thank you!”
The Imposter waddles up, dodging moles and rats and decaying body parts. “Great Info! But I’m having some trouble trying to load your blog. I have read it many times before and never gotten something like this, but now when I try to load something it just takes a little while (5-10 minutes ) and then just stops. I hope I don’t have spyware or something. Does anyone know what the problem could be?”
Before my helpful Pollyanna side can kick in, Bat Masterson whispers something in my ear. “Kick him to the curb, like the rogue dog that he is! If your blog didn’t load for him, how did he leave the comment in the first place?”
I look around. I’m tired. The sun’s coming up soon. I will leave them out here to rot and burn, and maybe – just maybe – I’ll replace the window dressing tomorrow. I shrug and walk away, unnoticed.