It was late. I didn’t feel up to turning the lights on, or writing a post for the classier clientele. I thought I could slip up to the back alley entrance unnoticed, perform a little overdue blog maintenance, lock up, go home, and get a good night’s sleep. No such luck.
As I rounded the corner, I saw them. The Spammers. There was The Sycophant, announcing his presence to all and sundry, much to the dismay of the others. “Cool guide, very good blog, thank you share very good info! I am impressed!” He hops up and down like a junkie in need of a fix, hoping to find a soft spot that will let him get his dirty little boots inside my blog’s door. “You, my friend, ROCK!” he cries. “Your blog has given me some sort of desire for success for some reason, so keep up the good work!” As if I lived to serve his obsequiousness.
Another shadowy figure pushes himself off the wall near the door. I wish I’d bought floodlights, now, instead of the quaint little gas lanterns that make everyone look like a character in some turn-of-the-century gothic novel. “Cool guide,” he says, exhaling an unctuous curl of pale gray smoke that mysteriously forms itself into a dollar sign above his head.
“Er, thanks. Look, I just need to sweep up, put some stuff out for the morning read, you know… could you, um, step aside?” My fingers curl around the keys in my pocket. There are enough of them to be classified as brass knuckles and throwing stars, if only I could unhook the rings that chain them all together to make a mace.
Shady one smiles. I can’t help but notice he has bad teeth and far too many of them.
A third character shambles up wearing a purple satin pimp suit. He tugs on his left lapel and sneers, “I got your Louis Armstrong pictures here…” t my puzzled look, he rips open his jacket on the other side. “Hentai, get your hentai…”
My what? My hen tea? I prefer white tea, but morbid curiosity impels me to look. I raise an eyebrow at His Lasciviousness. “Seriously?” I start to giggle. “Got any of the Roadrunner? Wile E. Coyote?”
His Unctuousness leers. His fingers dip into bottomless pockets. He hands me a grainy photograph. I giggle. The damned bird’s finally getting what’s coming to him. Coming to–get it? Never mind. I hand the photo back and shake my head. “Don’t think so, but, um – thanks?”
Speedy pops up like Whack-a-Mole. “Hey guys I wish to share with you a way I make $500 every day and I only spend 5 minuits doing it a day!”
“Okay,” I shout, “Now I know you’re full of it! There’s only ONE minuit a night!” The guy looks at me like I’ve lost my mind, and I quickly file the “one egg is an oeuf” joke away as “humor that just waaaaaaaay to subtle for shady, back-alley spammers.”
A dark-eyed little dude with a thick but unrecognizable accent sidles up to me and startles me. “So sorry. I strongly suggest you check their site out–” he nods his head at the garish, flashing sign that clearly indicates material inappropriate for minors, “–as there is really a brilliant video that explains every thing you need to know. Check them out at DOMINATE MOBILE MARKETING.”
He has a little black book full of A-listers he wants to sell me for just $44.95 a week.” I don’t think that’s all they could teach me to dominate. In the flash of the neon lights, I see a leather catsuit studded with stainless steel cones and a long, leather bullwhip.
Before long, we’re joined by a little team of pharmaceutical reps from China and the Eastern bloc. One lugs a suitcase full of little blue pills and assorted ancient herbal enhancers. (We all know by now that “ancient” is Marketing-speak for “waaaay past its expiration date.”) The other has a speech all prepared, and will not be deterred by the stony looks of the other spammers. I suspect he doesn’t understand a word of what he’s saying, nor do I: “I walked as a result of this website publish and it’s definitely wonderful. I definitely truly get pleasure from your web site.” He bows deeply. I consider bowing in return, but my brain short-circuits and I mix that up with the one-fingered salute that’s more appropriate to a different culture. Whoops… He continues as if he has not noticed my social gaff.
“Perfectly, the piece of authoring is in conviction the extremely greatest on this definitely really worth whilst subject. I bookmarked it and I’m looking ahead to your new site posts. I also noticed that your weblog has some great linking carried out to it. I will proper apart carry maintain of the rss feed to remain knowledgeable of any posts. Wonderful info you acquired right here. Remember to preserve bring up to date on your good submit.”
And don’t forget to sign the DEA form in triplicate, I think. Especially when you’re eating your own dog food. “No free food? No golf club memberships? No hen tea?”
A dapper gentleman walks up and attempts to shoe the others off with what looks like Bat Masterson’s cane. “Really nice blog post here my friend. I just wanted to comment and say keep up the good work. I’ve bookmarked your blog right away and I’ll be back to read more in the future my friend! Also well-chosen colors on the theme it goes well with the blog in my humble opinion.”
“Jolly. Right. Thanks much.” I raise an eyebrow. The gentleman smiles. He does not move on. I’m not at all sure what he wants, but he appears to be buttering me up for something, just like all the rest. I smile my coldest smile, making sure that it appears polite without reaching the eyes.
I whirl around. They’ve blocked my escape. I can’t get to the door of the shop without one of them slipping in. Where’s my bodyguard? “Akismet!” I shout. Nothing.
The zombies have crawled out of the storm drains and are now shambling up the curb. “Hi. What’s your your myspace page? What does my name mean?”
“Urrrrr..ains… og article very intersting and fanstic, at the very same time the blog theme is distinctive and perrrrrrfect, great roll. To your…braiiiins…”
A weird little guy who looks like Mario in a farmer’s togs is chatting up some guy in a Zynga Rocks tee-shirt. I hear snippets, “A little help from an experienced user: After sign in to second user you can send a gift to your main account and logout and log in your main account ad get your gift and include it with your–hey, come with me, I’ll teach you more tricks.” Farmville meets hen tea…
Beyond the shambling undead, which are now trying to crack open the craniums of the pharmaceutical reps, the street has turned into a full-blown, free game of Whack-a-Mole:
“Hi buddy, your blog’s design is simple and clean and I like it!”
“Your blog posts are superb. Please keep them coming. Greets!!!”
“This is a blog that is well put together. Most of them you see out there don’t have any worthwhile fresh content on their site.” Fresh content? Is that why I’m beset by zombies?
“This is the best blog I have ever read thank you!”
“You’re welcome?”
The Imposter waddles up, dodging moles and rats and decaying body parts. “Great Info! But I’m having some trouble trying to load your blog. I have read it many times before and never gotten something like this, but now when I try to load something it just takes a little while (5-10 minutes ) and then just stops. I hope I don’t have spyware or something. Does anyone know what the problem could be?”
Before my helpful Pollyanna side can kick in, Bat Masterson whispers something in my ear. “Kick him to the curb, like the rogue dog that he is! If your blog didn’t load for him, how did he leave the comment in the first place?”
I look around. I’m tired. The sun’s coming up soon. I will leave them out here to rot and burn, and maybe – just maybe – I’ll replace the window dressing tomorrow. I shrug and walk away, unnoticed.
And then…. there is…. that wonderful, but quite insane and somewhat obnoxious Canuck!!!
Fight them, ignore them, lock out the trollers, spammers, phishers, dishers, and etc….
And for ONLY, oh, $50 (per month), I can let you in on the “Secrets of The Universe”. LIMITED TIME OFFER!
Take care, and do not buy any wooden horses…..
Hahahaha… HOW could I have forgotten the Canuck! Oh – maybe because this story was originally written around 2010, and we hadn’t met, yet! I was inspired – you know, “living well is the best revenge,” or “if you can’t beat ’em – with a stick – mock them with your wit”? Something like that.
I like these: “living well is the best revenge,” or “if you can’t beat ’em – with a stick – mock them with your wit”?
It certainly is: Something like that.
And the truth is, it hurts no one. Have I invented a new genre in fiction, perhaps? “Creative venting.” You heard it here, first! LOL
Dear Friend great blog right here. It is time to be happy, and it is time to explain to me the subtle jokes. One egg is an oeuf? One minuit a night? ‘Splain, please, Lucy. To the health!
Tu ne parles pas francais, cher Marian? Zut alors!
Okay, “egg” in French is “oeuf.” “Minuit” is “midnight.”
🙂 Sante! Or enchante! (And yes, there are a whole bunch of missing accents here because I’m too lazy to type it up in a decent text editor or look up the ALT+ codes for them. Je suis desolee. Mais pas trop desolee…)
RE: And the truth is, it hurts no one. Have I invented a new genre in fiction, perhaps? “Creative venting.” You heard it here, first! LOL
I have been doing creative venting for years in real life. To think i could have been writing an epic all this time!
Holly, your imagination and wit are formidable. I bet your kids never won a single argument, did they?
I was mugged in that back alley, so I bricked mine up. Of course, I had to put bear traps on the front entrance, so I never know when customers come a-calling. {shrugs} Cest la vie. That’s about all the French I know, and I’m glad Marian already asked…
Cheers,
Mitch
Well, hello there, stranger…
Okay, you’re no stranger than the last time we chatted. Good to see you back here!
You’d have to ask my kids that question. I’ve often felt defeated, but they’d probably say “H*** no, we never won an argument with Mom!” It’s all a matter of perspective. Fortunately, they’re pretty awesome young grown-ups now. We never argue. I just say “Talk to you when you’re done,” and hang up. 😉
Ha-ha. The pre-emptive hang-up. Oh, three dashes!
Actually I am stranger than last week. I keep dosing myself with instant coffee and bad ideas.
re: actual comments, I think the CommentLuv plugin was the bot magnet.
Cheers,
Mitch
I don’t think CL was to blame at all. I’m serious – it was 16,000 an hour for about two days. I had to get Hostgator to shut ’em out. But CL and friends kept any of it from making it to public view! Yay!
I just meant that the bot probably targeted your site because CL links are available. I’m glad you managed them. It all became too much for me.
It’s all a matter of perspective? I thought THIS was a matter of perspective! 🙂
Pssst… because you’re one of the few who can appreciate the humor in this, would you believe I have only 1,341 actual comments on this blog? That is not counting the 16,000 that Chinese spambot tried to lay on me last year.
You obviously attract a higher class of spammers! I’m not sure I should be disappointed that the ones who “visit” me are not up to this quality or thrilled that they have found their perfect foil.
Thanks for letting me roll in the snow and on the frozen ground laughing.
“You obviously attract a higher class of spammers!”
Don’t break your arm patting yourself on the back. I’ve whitelisted you, yet you keep ending up in spam. What did you DO to annoy my bouncers?? Seriously–I can’t figure it out!
It just occurred to me I haven’t checked whatever it is that Akismet blocks in at least two years.
I go one really nasty one, and haven’t checked since.
I’m not good with that kind of stuff – I can’t get ick out of my brain once it gets in, so I try not to let it in the first time.
Quick question: suppose you have a suddenly popular post – can your blog handle it? I have to take on a large corporation, and they have blown me off when I tried to let them fix things nicely. Now I have to tell the world, and I’m wondering what will happen. I’m hoping WordPress can handle it, and I won’t have to.
Am I being naive?
Oh, probably. Try it! 🙂