HOUSTON, TX – They say that living well is the best revenge. Perhaps that’s why Cancer and the Disease Coalition have urged a Houston court to raise unrepentant Houston author Holly Jahangiri’s bail to $5000 this year. “Clearly she’s a slippery one – she has escaped our clutches once again, this year,” said H1N1, the virulent representative for the Coalition in 2013. The request for $5,000 is a reduction from the original suggestion of $1.2 million. “The investigation is over. There’s no doubt in anyone’s mind that she beat Cancer, and now she thumbs her nose at me by braving a needle to ward me off. A needle!” H1N1 expressed outrage, referring to Jahangiri’s legendary fear of needles. “She just wants to show the world that even though I can get under her skin, she’s stronger than I am. It’s–insulting.”
It is thought that H1N1′s cousin, H3N2, was behind the pre-season attack on Jahangiri’s daughter, and that that may have prompted her renewed zeal in rekindling the vendetta against the entire Disease Coalition. In 2011, Holly Jahangiri was charged with beating Cancer and conspiring with medical professionals to torture it, suffocate it in a hazardous waste bag, and subsequently burn it to death. Prosecutors felt that they had established motive and premeditation, but Jahangiri insisted her actions were all done in self-defense. The prosecutors were overheard mumbling that the jury was biased, most of its members having known or cared for at least one of Cancer’s victims in the past. It was later discovered that one of the prosecution’s own attorneys suffered from Prostate Cancer, but he managed to obtain medical grade nuclear weapons and launched a Movember counterattack from a top-secret location in Houston, Texas. He is thought to be in contact with Jahangiri.
The Disease Coalition, made up of leaders from the viral and bacterial communities that include HIV, HPV, Coronary Artery Disease, Avian and Swine Flu, COPD, Pertussis, and others, with Smallpox as their embattled poster child, H1N1 as their 2013 spokesman, and Coxsackievirus A6 entering an amicus curiae brief, issued a statement: “This shameful treatment cannot be tolerated.” Pointing at Smallpox, Pertussis became emotional: “It’s genocide, I tell you! What if this were happening in your community?”
Polio wept openly as H1N1 gave a passionate and heated debate, punctuated by fevered and delusional gesticulations, to a bored, restless, and increasingly hostile audience: “We consider this nothing less than a targeted hate crime!” A little boy wearing swim trunks and a t-shirt donned nose-clips, stuck his thumbs in his ears, waggled his finger, and made razzberries at N. Fowleri. “See? They have no respect. They think we’re beaten. And that woman – that author – gives them reason to think we might go down without a fight! They no longer show us any respect,” he added, chewing sullenly on a moldy cheese sandwich. Last year, an adorable little girl, dressed in white, protested the Disease Coalition by handing Polio a package containing vaccine-dipped sugar cubes.
Jahangiri, author of the popular children’s books Trockle and A Puppy, Not a Guppy, issued her own statement in 2012. Speaking through her lawyer and personal representative, Mr. Purple Feather Boa Bear, Jahangiri appeared calm but defiant. “How DARE Cancer stand there and feign righteous indignation? Cancer is no innocent victim! It is an insidious killer – a thug – and its deplorable behavior cannot be tolerated.” If looks could kill, Jahangiri’s gaze would cure Cancer, once and for all. “It killed two of my friends in 2010. It stalked my aunt for thirty-two years, holding her hostage in her own home for over a year, and it killed her – the day after I completed my community service last year. Make no mistake, I want it eradicated. I urge you to show no mercy, give Cancer no quarter—” She paused and smiled. “Though of course you can give all your quarters to the American Cancer Society,” she added. “That’d be okay. Dollars would be better.”
Jahangiri has entered a formal plea of “Not Guilty,” as usual, and in which she claims that everything she did, she did in self defense. Few objected to her use of vigilante tactics, such as patrolling the local high school track during Relay for Life, and many wore t-shirts bearing anti-Cancer slogans in a show of solidarity. Though the Court does not want to appear biased in the case, sources suggest that Jahangiri could get off with a fine of $5,000, if her bail (coincidentally, $5,000) is raised in the next eleven days, provided she completes an unspecified number of hours’ community service, and time served. No one has seemed much moved by the Disease Coalition’s “absurd posturing,” as one of their former alleged victims put it. “They have been getting away with this for years – it’s time someone took a stand.”
Pancreatic Cancer has been noticeably absent from the Disease Coalition’s protest rallies. Steve Jobs death, in 2011, left the tech community firmly on Jahangiri’s side. Sources close to Pancreatic Cancer say that it has been seen in the company of Brain Cancer. Neither are welcome at the usual Hollywood parties, and it is rumored that they are considering a long trek in the wilderness to rethink their purpose in life.
Supporters of Jahangiri may contribute to her bail here. Already, members of Team Purple Feather Boa have managed to raise 4% of the amount required for her release, but time is running out. Sources tell us that there is a benefit planned – a fund-raiser for others who have been victimized or falsely accused by the insidious Cancer, and that Jahangiri will likely be performing her court-ordered community service at the 2013 Relay For Life of Cy-Fair on Friday, April 26, 2013. All are invited to attend in person – there will be food and fun and much mocking of the Disease Coalition.
Revelers are asked not to bring along swollen tin cans of produce, as they have been known to harbor the Stealth Ops Forces of the Disease Coalition, along with mercenary tin soldiers armed with tainted lead ammo provided by the Heavy Metals. Participants in the fund-raiser are invited, instead, to buy Luminaria to peacefully demonstrate and shed light on the evil-doings of Cancer, and to honor those who have lost their valiant fight against members of the Disease Coalition.