Would You Like Spam and Eggs for Breakfast?

Judging from some of the comments that didn’t make it off the cutting room floor, I’d say more than a few folks out there got shiny new spambots and comment spinners for Christmas. They are now doing their level best to ensure that Santa brings them enough coal, this coming winter, to survive the next Ice Age. Apparently, the new world will be populated by spammers and cockroaches.

I’m also chuckling at the thought that these things were programmed by out of work Mad Libs authors who buried code within to ensure that these comments would never be published, but might bring a smile of nostalgia and a little chuckle to blog owners, everywhere, as they blew up and revealed all the various fill-in-the-blanks choices the users of these apps could have made. For example:

{I have|I’ve} been {surfing|browsing} online more than {three|3|2|4} hours today,
yet I never found any interesting article like yours. {It’s|It is}
pretty worth enough for me. {In my opinion|Personally|In my
view}, if all {webmasters|site owners|website owners|web owners} and bloggers made
good content as you did, the {internet|net|web} will be {much more|a lot more} useful than ever before.|
I {couldn’t|could not} {resist|refrain from} commenting. {Very well|Perfectly|Well|Exceptionally well} written!|
{I will|I’ll} {right away|immediately} {take hold of|grab|clutch|grasp|seize|snatch} your {rss|rss feed} as I {can not|can’t} {in finding|find|to find}
your {email|e-mail} subscription {link|hyperlink} or {newsletter|e-newsletter} service.
Do {you have|you’ve} any? {Please|Kindly} {allow|permit|let} me {realize|recognize|understand|recognise|know} {so that|in order that}
I {may just|may|could} subscribe. Thanks.|
{It is|It’s} {appropriate|perfect|the best} time to make some plans for
the future and {it is|it’s} time to be happy.
{I have|I’ve} read this post and if I could I {want to|wish to|desire to} suggest you {few|some} interesting things or {advice|suggestions|tips}.

It’s almost as if a linguist and a drunken derelict who dropped out in second grade got together one night and said, “Hey, wanna play a game?” As if that would ever happen in the real world. One the one hand, we have choices that reflect one’s preference for British vs. US English – such as “recognize” and “recognise.” We have “appropriate” or “perfect” or “the best,” and yet – what, no choice to change the awkward, lukewarm, milquetoast “pretty worth enough for me”? This is one reason you can be sure I’ll never join this particular gang of disreputable, rag-tag Internet vagabonds – just proofreading screens and screens of this nonsense would land me in the funny farm, first. And there is a novel’s worth in a single spinner-dump, sitting in my spam folder right now. I wouldn’t be surprised if a close reading of some of these messages turned up 80% of Stephen King’s novel, The Stand.

{Hola|Hey there|Hi|Hello|Greetings}! I’ve been {following|reading} your {site|web site|website|weblog|blog} for {a long
time|a while|some time} now and finally got
the {bravery|courage} to go ahead and give you a shout out from {New Caney|Kingwood|Huffman|Porter|Houston|Dallas|Austin|Lubbock|Humble|Atascocita} {Tx|Texas}!
Just wanted to {tell you|mention|say} keep up the {fantastic|excellent|great|good} {job|work}!|
Greetings from {Idaho|Carolina|Ohio|Colorado|Florida|Los angeles|California}!
I’m {bored to tears|bored to death|bored} at work
so I decided to {check out|browse} your {site|website|blog}
on my iphone during lunch break.

I want to reach out and say, “Bonjour! Âllo! Bienvenue! Please stop now, or crawl back into your rabbit hutch|hole|cave|cavern|mommy’s basement because your cocky bravado (not to mention all the shouting – for God’s sake, SHHHHHH) is wasted on me and my blog|weblog|website|personal corner of the Internet and gee, golly – if you’re in all those places at the same time, you must be spreading yourself a bit thin! If you will kindly email me your boss’s name, I’ll be happy to write on your behalf and suggest they find more engaging|intriguing|challenging|mind-numbing work|busywork|gruntwork|other employment for you to do.”

And then there’s the highly ironic paragraph:

{Howdy|Hi there|Hi|Hello}, i read your blog {occasionally|from time
to time} and i own a similar one and i was just {wondering|curious} if you get a lot
of spam {comments|responses|feedback|remarks}?
If so how do you {prevent|reduce|stop|protect against}
it, any plugin or anything you can {advise|suggest|recommend}? I get so much lately it’s driving me {mad|insane|crazy} so
any {assistance|help|support} is very much appreciated.

Never let it be said that the authors of these things don’t have a sense of humor. I keep expecting to find Allen Funt (oh, Google it if you have to!) hiding in my webcam. Er, web cam|camera|cam|web cam… Geez, now they’ve got me doing it, too!

Sometimes, I’m not even sure what they’re trying for, though. For example:

{A person|Someone|Somebody} {necessarily|essentially} {lend a hand|help|assist} to
make {seriously|critically|significantly|severely} {articles|posts} {I would|I might|I’d} state.

There’s just no way to spin that so it comes out right. I’d suggest: {A little green man|alien|ghost|unicorn} {awesomely|magically|glaringly|tragically|terrifyingly} {bent a horn|squeaked|quibbled|grunted|bleeped} to {say|clarify|elucidate|hint} that {your post|your hair|your blog|your singing in the shower} is {freaking|amazingly|stupendously|laughingly} awesome.

Pretty sure that’s the gist of it, anyway. Maybe I should post an ad on Fivrr, offering to at least write some fun spam comments, just to give bloggers a little laugh over their morning coffee. Shoot, ask any working writer – if they’re not used to half their submissions going into a black hole by now, they’re too thin-skinned to be writers. How could writing Spam Libs be any worse? It’d be like getting a few dollars back with that rejection note.

I particularly like:

{I have|I’ve} beren {surfing|browsing} online more than {three|3|2|4} hours
today, yet I never found any interesting article like yours.

Make that {four|19|42} light years and I might actually publish your spammy little comment, just for laughs.

Side note to “SpunseSteense” – Give it up, asshat.

On the other hand, it’s fun to watch someone try to brute force his way into the blog by using the same randomly generated username and password, repeatedly, over various proxies – as if changing the origin of the attempt is somehow going to make it work. According to Einstein, this makes the SpungeMeister slightly insane. I wonder if his forehead is bloody from ramming it repeatedly against the keyboard. Or maybe he’s thinking, “If I can just get her to notice me, maybe she’ll make me my own admin account with this username and password!!”

Keep wishing on those stars, SpungeStinker.

On a more serious note, it’s good to use protection when using the Internet.  When companies with bigger IT budgets than yours can be had so easily, it pays to be a bit vigilant, even if you don’t have personal banking data and such on the PC you use for blogging, and have so many super-strong passwords and dual-authentication rules even you can’t remember half of them. Did you know that Amazon, GoDaddy, and other “cloud” services in the US are some of the largest hosts for malware? Don’t read that article right before bed, if you want a good night’s sleep.

Head spinning, yet?


Holly Jahangiri is the author of Trockle; A Puppy, Not a Guppy; Innocents & Demons; and A New Leaf for Lyle. You can find her books on Amazon at http://amazon.com/author/hollyjahangiri. For more information on her children's books, please visit http://jahangiri.us/books.
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1 thought on “Would You Like Spam and Eggs for Breakfast?”

  1. First, I love spam & eggs. lol Second, I’ve been getting lots of that stuff as well; I always wonder how much it costs people to buy this stuff so they can send out this awful spam that doesn’t have a real chance of staying on any blogs of consequence. And third, I think you must have channeled me; see the post I’ve CL’d to. 🙂
    Mitch Mitchell recently posted…Spam I Don’t UnderstandMy Profile

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