They say that the pen is mightier than the sword. In that case, never tick off a writer. A couple of years ago, several writers and I found that our work was being used on various Web sites without our permission or knowledge. While waiting for a response to my legitimate copyright violation notices and subsequent DMCA take-down notice, I decided to have a little fun with the scum–er, plagiarist–who, according to WHOIS, was in the Ukraine.

This post rated "M" for "Might offend due to profanity and really poor imitation Ukrainian accent." Which was only fair, given the really poor imitation of my writing found on said plagiarist’s site(s). You’ve been warned; do not complain to me!

From the Desk of Ivan Mor Smirnoff:

10 January 2006

I take you along on bumpy ride to getting pooplished. We’ll see just how hard it really is, kidlinks, as I soobmit this to free articles site. I am going to be famous author some day soon! Smoochies, Ivan

Ten Secrets to Hugely Successful Article Writing

1. Don’t write drunk. I write like seagull spit when I have been drinking. You think all great writers were drunks and drug addicts? Yes? No? Probably. But unless you are Hemingway or I-95, you write drunk and your donkey will be hanging out for all the world to see.

2. Write about thinks Googly people want to know. Mesothelioma, sex with cats, girl with broken leg, writing while drunk – all good topics for freebie articles. Lots of people want to read this shit.

3. Proofread. About 80 proof ought to do it.

4. Use humor. Always should be tasteful. Not like my uncle’s favorite joke: Why chicken cross road? To fuck duck on other side. (Is from old country, maybe loses something in translation.)

5. Be original. Don’t steal stuff other people’s words. Maybe they no write so good, either.

6. Write about sex. Sex sells. Everybody want to read about sex.

7. Don’t use bad words. Bad words like "lawsuit" and "Pythagorean." No one can pronounce "Pythagorean" and no one like "lawyers."

8. Make sure you use lots of keywords, like "mesothelioma" and "sex" and "slutty teenage virgins" even if article not about those things. Article get picked up by fifty bazillion search engines that way, make you lots more money.

9. I forget what was supposed to be tip #9. If you have good idea, write it down, or you forget too.

10. Submit to free content sites and pretty soon – boom! – your name be toast in forty-six countries! You be famous, make lots of money.

Now I Wait, and Wait, and Wait

11 January 2006

You know, Dahlink, Ivan to tell you somesink… I am SO upset. My article was not accepted. It was not sloosh-piled, either. Rinky-dinky site so BAD that I log on this morning and POOF! it gone. (No, sadly, not site – just article.) It say I never submit anytink. Ivan to know – what you tink I should do? Submit again? Maybe twice, just to be sure? Maybe hundred times. You can never be too sure. Right, Dahlink?

Smoochies, Ivan

12 January 2006

Oh, Ivan to die. I am crushed, Dahlinks. Lookit dis: This article has been disapproved. Your article has been disapproved. I can’t even get fly-by-night Siberian crooks to pooblish me. I must really suck as writer. Maybe I go back to being doctor. It was more fun to play that, don’t you tink?

Dejected smoochies, Ivan

About the Author Holly Jahangiri

Holly Jahangiri has decades of experience in tech writing, freelancing, fiction, poetry, and editing. Writer, wife, and mother, Holly is the creator of Trockle and instigator of the Puppy-Guppy Rebellion.

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