“Mom, Joey’s parents give him a dollar every time he takes out the trash.”
“Really? Why?”
“I don’t know. Can I have a dollar for taking out the trash?”
“No.”
“Why?”
“Because taking out the trash is something you do as a member of this family, something that benefits us all. It’s not something I should have to bribe you or pay you to do. Are you going to give me a dollar every time I do your laundry?”
“Oh.”
Busy parents sometimes take the “easy way out,” employing outright bribery to get kids to help out around the house. Take it from someone who’s been there, done that: It’s not the easy way, in the long run. Everyone has a need to feel useful. When a child has a sense that he’s not needed or valued, he becomes less motivated to pitch in and help. This is the point at which the exasperated parent often gives up and gives in. “Fine, I’ll give you a dollar if you’ll just take the stinky garbage out of the kitchen and put it in the garage.” If money is the only motivator, the child still doesn’t feel needed or valued. He recognizes that “getting the trash out of the kitchen” is something that has value, and that mom or dad is willing to pay for it. But it doesn’t satisfy the child’s need to be needed; it doesn’t teach anything about the balance of give and take in a healthy relationship.
That said, there are times when payment may be appropriate. Times when mom or dad, weary from a long day, ask for something above and beyond the norm – such as doing another family member’s chores, or a chore that doesn’t benefit the one doing it. “Would you go into your brother’s room and ferret out the dirty towels so I can do laundry? I’ll give you a quarter for every towel you can find in that mess.” Occasional bribery can be effective and rewarding, and may even encourage the enterprising child to take on additional duties.
Allowances ought to be tied to such “additional duties,” and not be treated as an entitlement, unless they are meant to be a lesson in budgeting, and the child’s “expenses” are clearly understood. The unearned allowance ought to come with obligations: a portion set aside each week for charitable contributions; a portion set aside to share in gas expenses when asking to be chauffeured somewhere, perhaps. I don’t believe in asking a minor child to pay for room and board, no matter how miniscule the “payment” may be. Nor do I think they should be required to pay for necessary clothing, books, or family travel.
Accessories, make-up, movie tickets, candy, and video games are all things a child can save up for and use to learn the value (and the hardship) of saving money over time. Even so, parents should set expectations early on: no child should be entitled to spend his hard-earned savings “on anything [he] wants.” If mom or dad disapproves of the purchase, then the money stays in savings. Imagine a child with a sense of entitlement: “It’s my money! I can buy drugs with it if I want to!” Or “I’m going to pay for that piercing with my own money, and you can’t stop me!” There are less extreme – more legal – examples: the short, short miniskirt; the t-shirt with a sexual come-on emblazoned across the chest.
I’ve given my kids a choice between their current deal: all reasonable expenses (including the occasional frivolous purchase) covered, or an allowance where all frivolous expenses become theirs. They’re smart kids. Suddenly, “But Johnny gets five dollars a week!” doesn’t seem like such a lucrative deal. And I’m not willing to pay my kids to clean their rooms, take out the trash, or do the occasional load of laundry. That’s just “stuff we do” because it has to get done, and we’re a family. But I’m also willing to pay a quarter a towel to the kid who didn’t leave the dirty towels upstairs, to save me the trip up and down, as well as sparing me the aggravation of seeing a messy room.
What’s your approach to chores and allowances?
About the Author Holly Jahangiri
Holly Jahangiri has decades of experience in tech writing, freelancing, fiction, poetry, and editing. Writer, wife, and mother, Holly is the creator of Trockle and instigator of the Puppy-Guppy Rebellion.
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I don’t pay directly for chores. However, when they take on additional responsibilities (for example, the boys do their own laundry), their allowance goes up. I have to say that my kids don’t do enough around here, and that is really our fault – DH and I have evolved routines to do things since they were small, and it is hard to change to include them. But we probably should
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I can’t recommend that strongly enough. It may mean extra work for you and DH in the short term, but in the long run it leads to less work for you, and more independent, capable young adults who know how to take care of themselves when they eventually move out. The part that often gets overlooked, though, is the human need to feel needed and to feel like an important part of the family (a valued player on the team, so to speak). A child’s purpose isn’t to be a servant – it’s to pitch in and be part of the family, to support and be supported.
Recent blog post: Chores: to Pay, or Not to Pay?
My kids were expected to help with chores, including helping with laundry. When I went back to college so I could help the family after graduation, my hubby and I explained that since I had a limited amount of physical strength, that they had to take up some of the slack.
When the boys were in high school, their baseball team when to Florida during spring break. By the end of the week, everyone was out of clothes. Randy and Bob loaded up their dirty clothes and told their teammates they were going to the laundromat and wash clothes. The others were shocked. They had no idea how to use a washer and dryer. My boys told them they could learn. So, Bob and Randy held a workshop on how to use a washer and dryer.
Know what, the boys were proud they could.
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I’ll bet they were! When you’re capable and used to taking care of these things, people who can’t or won’t look pretty silly.
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I’ve found that the virtual version works of chore charts for me. I use a site called Handipoints to make printables and it’s really been fun so far! Part of their program is rewards, so we do end up giving our kids a few rewards for their work. Sometimes it’s allowance, sometimes it’s a thing they want to work toward. On Handipoints, there’s an area that lets you set this up easily, called savings goals.
I think rewards are great – maybe not just for doing the chores, but maybe for doing them without being reminded, doing them with extra care, doing them cheerfully every time – we all want rewards. And tying rewards or allowances to savings goals or budgeting lessons helps teach valuable money management skills and patience. It’s our job, as parents, to help our kids learn those things. But sometimes, the satisfaction in doing a job well and the gratitude or appreciation of other family members should BE the reward, you know? If it’s always tied to money, money takes on an importance and focus it doesn’t deserve, and you can end up with a little negotiator who will nickle and dime you to death.
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You and I think along the same lines, Holly! I do give my son a regular allowance,but he purchases all those “extras” 16 year old boys tend to want–with my approval. He’s very good at managing money–and recently saved for nearly a year to buy a Ninetendo Wii–now he’s saving for a new computer.
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Not a car?
Good for him, Joyce – not too many 16 year olds are “good at managing money.” (It’s a skill more adults could use, too.)
That’s a sensible way of giving incentives to kids. They need to have a clear grasp first what things they have to do in the spirit of give and take. Not every chore needs to be monetized so they can be done. That’s a sell out.
Well, I don’t have kids. But you’ve won me over on that point. Well done.
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Well, you’re not totally unqualified, Jan. You WERE a kid once, right?
I think people will work harder for intangible rewards, sometimes – for the approval of people who matter to them – and feel more satisfied in earning it – than they will for money. Money is necessary for adults, but not deeply satisfying for most of us. For some, it becomes a substitute for the things we really need. For others, it is a proof of worth. I think parents do a disservice to kids when they don’t see that potentially unhealthy connection.
I give my son a small, weekly allowance – IF he remembers to ask me for it. I won’t keep track of “back pay.” We both forget. It’s just not that important; no reasonable need or want goes unmet, and no unreasonable demand is going to be met whether he’s got his own cash on hand to pay for it or not. That IS his “allowance,” really, isn’t it?
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I don't think kids should get paid for chores especially household chores. But I'd agree to pay for things that can't be done in one day – like a weekly pay for taking care of a dog, or taking care of plants…
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Depends, I think… is it a dog they begged for? A loyal family pet? Or a real Cujo that they can't' stand? Taking care of plants, yeah – I should probably hire my son to take care of mine. I'm not good at it at all.
My kids have pulled the 'are you going to pay me to [insert chore here]' thing on a few occasions. I used the same approach of they can then pay for all of those extras or I can and no allowance. Me paying and no allowance wins every time.
The majority of the money they do get goes into savings and they are pretty good at making fairly smart purchases. Stephen is always asking for music. I pay for one tank of gas per week in the car for Amanda plus insurance and such. Megan is learning to manage her own money now that she is at college. The kids are always spotting coupons and maximizing their dollars, too. We're all a bit squeaky around here. =)
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That's pretty much how it works here, Anne. Allowances aren't all they're cracked up to be, are they? Most kids are smart enough to figure that out. I do owe my son $6/week IF he remembers to collect it weekly (it's an old deal and a bit of a joke – and he NEVER remembers to ask for it).
My recent post Chores: to Pay, or Not to Pay?
Hello Holly,
I was able to peek out from my burrow for a while. Miss you too guys. I do the same thing with my kids. When the task requires an "extra" chore that they were not supposed to do , like returning something the older sibling borrowed, then I give a little reward like a coloring book, etc. It's not advisable to give "cash" as a reward, this will inculcate in the growing child that false sense of giving money too much importance. Things in kind are better as rewards.
For a job well done like ranking 1 in a major exam, etc. I treat them to lunch or a trip to their favorite place, etc.
You as a parent should be able to gauge which method works for your child, which one would improve his/her personality. Each child is a creation of his own, they should be treated individually re: their personalities. Of course, there should be a common general rule for all, but wise parents should know when to and when not to.
Wonderful post, Holly, now where's my ice cream? he he he.
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::hands a big bowl of ice cream to Jena, who has been working way too hard:: I like that – using non-monetary rewards. But past a certain age, coloring books don't do it; monetary rewards may be cheaper, and can be used to encourage savings.
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IntenseDebate appears to be down.
With older children more responsible children, monetary rewards are good options, of course.
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I don´t think is a good thing to make youngs used to chores.
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No? Why, Nathan? Better they should watch mom and dad wait on them hand and foot? Wouldn't that be setting them up for a really rude awakening as adults?
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Okay, Darren, it works. I'm not sure IntenseDebate likes it, and it's a bit slow, but it works. It's Facebook CommentsTNG
One more test…
I think being a family is hard enough without also having to be my children's employer, so I've never tied chores to allowance. I wanted my kids to grow up with a sense that they have some responsibility as to how well we do as a family and that their efforts and behavior make a difference. They also take part in planning and budgeting for vacations, activities and extras. I'll pay for their help if it's a project I might sometimes pay someone else to do for me. Room cleaning is a separate issue, I use scare tactics for that. I used to make them watch that show "Hoarders" and tell them it was an after picture for kids who need a marked trail to navigate their bedroom.
Hahahahahah…oh, priceless. Is Hoarders available online? I've never watched a full episode. That could work, though.
I agree with you – if I'd pay someone else to do it (and it's not just an ordinary household chore), then I would probably pay my kids to help out. If it's another child's chore, I might pay, too – I've been known to pay my son to go into his sister's room and bring me towels to be washed. (More like paying him to hunt for all my lost towels, though – not just for going in there and bringing them to me. Like… a finder's fee.)
You can still watch Hoarders on HULU. My daughter likes the new show American Pickers, she has a new in the box artisan made doll she purchased when she was 8 at a garage sale for $5–one sold on eBay for $145 a couple years ago and I thought she was wasting her money. She never played with dolls but she owns several that she keeps packed away. Speaking of finder's fees, I offered my kids $10 once to find my car keys, I was desperate.
I can relate with you about your post. I have the same dilemma with my eldest son Gelo. But I agree with you, we parents should teach our child about house hold chores as part their responsibility as a member of the family.. Bribing them with money will only encourage them not to do there shared task in the house hold chores.
Well, I admire you Holly… you still can managed to do your laundry, have a job and blog at the same time.
Thumbs up!
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…and cook, and write books, and be a Scouting volunteer, and – funny how we make time for things that matter to us, isn't it? Of course, no one ever said I did any of it WELL – certainly not all of it, all the time. But thank you, Jhong.
We're actually just exploring this now. Kids are 9, 7, 5.
I guess it depends on the goal. If it's for chores, that's one thing, although I don't think allowance should really be tied to chores. I agree with you that taking out the trash should just be something kids do as being part of the family.
I also agree that just because it's their money doesn't mean they can buy whatever they want with it. We have a Wii gaming system, which drives me crazy. But we gave in. However, the kids don't need a DS now. So that would be our example of not getting anything they want.
Still trying to sift through this.
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Jena said it best: "You as a parent should be able to gauge which method works for your child, which one would improve his/her personality. Each child is a creation of his own, they should be treated individually re: their personalities. Of course, there should be a common general rule for all, but wise parents should know when to and when not to." But I strongly suggest NOT setting a precedent that becomes grounds for bribery and extortion.
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I was similarly desperate when I paid the maids $20 for finding my son's Boy Scout sash. (This Sunday was supposed to be Scout Sunday, but it got rescheduled.) Worth every penny for me NOT to have to go buy a new one and all the badges, then sew all those badges back on (a local tailor charges $4 per badge). I know he should have to do it, but the $20 is coming out of his "gift money," so in a sense he IS doing it. Neither of us is very good with needle and thread, and I just wanted to cry at the thought of it. Not to mention the special badges that couldn't have been replaced.
Holly, I Wish I'd been paid $20 for every time John lost his sash and I found it. I bought a sewing machine because I was stabbing my fingers more than my diabetic friends, it also has a USB port and does patches. My deal with my wife when we adopted was that she took care of the kids until they were 12 regarding ancillary stuff and I would take care of it from 12 to 18. I chose poorly
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Believe it or not, this was a first. William's normally quite good at keeping up with it; he's got one drawer for keeping such things in, and throwing it into a closet, then cleaning that closet and getting sick before finishing the job – leaving the sash under a pile of clothes and toys – really isn't something he does often. And I was just desperate. I did NOT want to dive in there, myself. Took the maids about 10-15 minutes. (And again, that's the sort of thing I don't expect THEM to do on a usual basis – in fact, I'd just finished saying "don't bother with that room, let William finish it" – so it merited a nice tip.)
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P.S. Yeah, you got suckered on that deal, didn't you? ROFL!! But I think you've had fun with it, too.
[...] Jahangiri gets the first slot with Chores: to Pay, or Not to Pay? This article was originally published on Blogger, then moved when Holly self-hosted with [...]
I got $20 for mowing the lawn…big yard. Imagine my dismay years later when the "landscaper" got $75 for the same damn job. lol
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Have you learned something about marketing from this?
Yes, unfortunately it's too late. They're now really clamping down on those hiring illegals…
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[...] Link: Extortion? My goodness!. [...]