een and yellow haired goofball by Bruce Guenter

Fiction

Blogging is Like Baton Twirling

3 Sep , 2018  

Blogging is like baton twirling, wrote Anna, instantly regretting it. The words trailed off as she took another swig of Bamboozled, the trendy, blue liquor that all the bestselling book authors were blathering on about. Anna cocked an eyebrow at the faintly glowing screen. Her fingers danced on the backspace key. The blank, off-white LCD panel mocked her with its flashing cursor.

“How the hell is blogging like baton twirling?” she muttered. The client had asked for a blogging tips article, with no fewer than twenty-seven similes likening blogging to high school athletic activities.  Exactly twenty-seven would be even better. How quaint. How old-school. Twenty seven. 27. Chicago Manual of Style would probably quibble with the Bloggers’ Bible of Banal Biz Bits. Anna had done a bit of nostalgic brainstorming and stretched the similes about as far as they could stretch without snapping like Silly Putty: football, volleyball, marching band, swim team, cheer squad, water boy… she needed only one more to unify the whole thing, wrap it up in a bow, and deliver it to be spun and repackaged in a free book hawking a $497 webinar the client was currently flogging. But when it came to her own role on the field of play, baton twirling, Anna drew a blank. Of all the activities, the one she knew best – her very own niche, as they’d say in the blogging biz – gave her the most trouble.

What was that hackneyed advice someone always trotted out, eager to prove they knew nothing at all about the process of writing? Ahh, yes: “Write what you know.” If writers only wrote what they knew, they’d have no friends and readers would have no unicorns. Or dragons. Or amazingly awesome, turn-a-passive-profit-while-you-sleep biz tips for bloggers. Anna poured another shot of the strong drink she’d taken to calling Boozbammeled, and plumbed its shallow depths for instant insight.

Indulgence in alcohol was rarely helpful, and usually caused an overwhelming urge to sleep, but sometimes it loosened her fingers and dislodged things deep in her brain that caused the synapses to fire funny all at once. Rarely was it magical, but occasionally, it got the job done. All she could think of, now, was that time Carla tried a flip while twirling and landed on her upright baton as if it were her boyfriend, Richard’s…

Never mind. Anna shook her head and decided that wisdom was the better part of valor, or something, and dismissed that fateful image.

There was that other time, when Anna had thrown her rapidly twirling baton far too high, trying to impress Jimmy Jingleheimersmith, and as she and half the marching band watched in awe and wonder, the metal bar smacked her squarely on the bridge of her nose, giving her a broken schnoz and two black eyes, just in time for the Homecoming Dance. She nodded, and began typing furiously: Blogging is like baton twirling. If you aren’t careful, your rapidly spun words will come back to bop you in the nose. Or not, she thought, proud of herself for not mentioning Carla’s mishap, even though it would have been killer for the SEO.

 


This story was brought to you by the words/phrases: Baton Twirling; Bamboozled; Valor; Wisdom; Unify; Quaint; Nostalgia; Overwhelming; Indulgence; Insight and the lovely KathleenMK, who has kept Shane Arthur’s CreativeCopyChallenge home fires burning, and the porch light on, as this cat slinks in and out through the doggy door.

I was going to add #fiction to the title, but it’s funnier this way.

Featured Photo Credit:

, , , , , , ,



7 Responses

  1. That is clearly a grand metaphor. Kind of like a literary Icarus. Jimmy is smiling.

    Cheers,

    Mitch

  2. BellyBytes says:

    I’ve never twirled a baton nor even wielded one in a relay race – but I definitely think that blogging is like baton twirling – it is a fine art. If you don’t get it right, it will bop you on the nose as you put it. But 27 similies ? That’s quite a task isn’t it? Blogging is like shot put – you never know how much effort you need to send it far off?

  3. Debbie D. says:

    Brilliant and hilarious! 😀 That’s all I wanted to say but was admonished for not being wordy enough. Hahaha! (Kind of ironic 😉 )

    • That’s to avoid “Great post!” spam. And to require that all commmenters expend at least 5 seconds’ energy and typing effort to stroke the writer’s ego. LOL Thanks so much, Debbie. I had fun writing that one. Do check out the Creative Copy Challenge. As Mitch pointed out, it is “jet fuel” for the blog, not to mention a great way to bust out of a case of writer’s block.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

%d bloggers like this: